


does anybody know how to hold my heart

by pro_daydreamer



Category: The AM Archives (Podcast), The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The College Tapes (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, oh also they have a child who helps, oliver can't get through his proposal speech
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pro_daydreamer/pseuds/pro_daydreamer
Summary: It seems an impossible task, to put his feelings for Mark into words. Oliver’s never been good at discussing his emotions, even with his family. Any time he tries to love someone out loud, the words jarr and break and fall apart.It can never just be easy.He taps the pen against the table, casting out his mind to think of something. Surely he can think of something.In which Oliver wants to propose to Mark but finds difficulty with the words.Also includes a Child. Tobias isn't my creation and belongs mostly to Aled (boston_sized_city) but I love them and he gives me serotonin.
Relationships: Mark Bryant/Oliver Ritz
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	does anybody know how to hold my heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was mostly written so I could take a breather from a really fucking long fic but I like it and I had fun. Not sure how in character everyone is but hey, cuteness!

The blank page stares up at him. It’s vast, intimidating, a wide expanse of unwritten confessions. 

Oliver’s pen hovers over the page, ghosting the paper with ink. Where does he start? How can he begin to explain the corners of his heart?

_ Mark, I can’t begin to explain… _

No, that’s not right. Oliver strikes a line through the sentence and drums his fingers against the table. He can’t blunt his words, can’t shy away from the truth he wants to lay bare in front of Mark.

_ Mark, I love you. You have… _

He crosses this out too. Not good enough.

It seems an impossible task, to put his feelings for Mark into words. Oliver’s never been good at discussing his emotions, even with his family. Any time he tries to love someone out loud, the words jarr and break and fall apart. 

It can never just be easy.

He taps the pen against the table, casting out his mind to think of something. Surely he can think of something.

_ I don’t have the words to explain… _

There’s a small tug on his pant leg. Oliver glances over to see Tobias, hovering expectantly beside him, bouncing on their heels a little in anticipation.

“Hey there, kid,” Oliver smiles, shuffling his chair back so that he can hoist Tobias up to sit on his knee.

“I finished my school work,” Tobias says, grinning cherubically. Oliver lets them settle into him, curling up against his body. 

“Good job,” Oliver says wrapping his arms loosely around them. “I’m proud of you.”

Tobias lights up, beaming. “It was about plants!”

“Did you learn some fun things?” Oliver asks and Tobias nods, wrapping themself around his upper arm. 

“It was fun but now I’m bored,” Tobias whines. “Can we have pancakes later?”

“Of course kid,” Oliver promises. “We can figure out some pancakes.”

Tobias bounces happily, swinging his legs back and forth. Oliver holds them like that for a little while, letting them hum in content.

“Can I have my arm back, kid?” Oliver says, trying to untangle Tobias’s arm from around his. “I need to write this for your other dad.”

“What are you writing?” Tobias asks, reluctantly releasing Oliver’s arm as they settle on Oliver’s lap. Oliver ruffles his hair gently and presses a kiss to the top of his head, making Tobias giggle happily.

“I’m going to ask Mark to marry me,” Oliver says and Tobias tilts his head up in curiosity.

“What for?” Tobias asks and Oliver almost laughs at their deeply puzzled expression.

“So he’ll be my husband,” Oliver explains. 

“How…” Tobias tilts his head to the side, nose scrunched up as his thoughts churn. “What does that mean?”

Oliver sits back, dropping his pen on top of the paper half covered with scribbled out words. “It means we’ll be together forever, kid. It’s a promise.”

It seems this wasn’t what Tobias wanted to hear, their face crumbling in concern. Oliver’s heart spikes, wondering what he’s said to make Tobias worry. “I thought you already were?” he says with a small wavering voice.

_ Fuck _ . Oliver scrambles for words, something to calm Tobias, soothe his panicked little frown. “Of course we were, it’s just… this is a little more permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” Tobias says. They look at Oliver with tears beginning to glisten in his eyes. Shit, shit, shit.

“Marrying Mark, it means that we’re promising to be together for probably the rest of our lives,” he explains. Tobias’s face seems to crumple even further. 

“Were you not going to stay together?” they ask, tugging a little at Oliver’s shirt sleeve anxiously. “If you don’t get married will you not be together anymore?”

Oliver shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant. I…” 

Oliver’s never been good with words, but when it comes to explaining marriage to a ten year old, he has no idea where to start. To say that is a ceremony, a promise, a simple piece of paper? He’s not sure how to explain.

“Mark and I are going to be together whatever happens,” Oliver assures Tobias. “We’re not going to be separating if we don’t get married.”

“Then why do you need to get married?” Tobias asks.

“It’s…” Oliver searches for the words. “It’s a promise, for us to say out loud to the rest of the world. It’s to say that we will love each other as best as we can and that we will stand by each other through the good and bad things in life.”

Tobias nods a little, concern disappearing from their face, though the confusion remains.

“I would be able to call Mark my husband legally, on paper. That doesn’t mean as much in terms of law anymore, it’s not awfully important, but it means something to me. Even if it’s just a piece of paper.”

“It’s a piece of paper?” Tobias asks, head tilted in confusion. 

“There’s paper work, a wedding ceremony, it’s… it’s a public declaration,” Oliver says. “Not everyone gets married, not everyone wants or needs a wedding, but I want to. I want to marry Mark because I love him and I want to love him out loud and on paper and everywhere.” Oliver glances down at the half empty page in front of him.

“I think…” Tobias frowns a little. “I think I understand.”

“I’m not very good at explaining things, am I?” Oliver laughs. “It truly is a question how I teach people for  _ money _ .”

Squirming out of his grasp, Tobias half-tumbles to the floor and tugs on Oliver’s leg. “Can we get some juice?”

Oliver lifts Tobias up, their head nestled against his shoulder. “Of course, kid.”

Once Tobias is happily settled with their coloring books, sipping his juice while he taps his feet happily against the floor, Oliver sits back down at the table and picks up his pen. He thinks he knows now, what to say. 

_ I don’t pretend I know how to love you. _

Oliver has never been good with words, but he thinks that perhaps, maybe, he can find some way to tell Mark what’s written on the inside of his soul.

_ I don’t know how to do this. _

His heart spills out on the paper, ink forming itself into letters, tangled and messy and honest. It is a truth he never thought he could say, a vow he never thought he could keep, a future he never thought he could have.

_ You are one of the best things that I’ve found in my life. _

Oliver lets his pen flow over the page, pouring his thoughts out until he is left empty, exhausted, content. The words in front of him blur and he can only hope that he has accurately transcribed the feelings at his core for Mark Bryant. He thinks it’s good. He thinks it works.

It’s not perfect, no, but nothing is. 

Keys in the door alert him to Mark’s return. He hears Tobias rush to greet him by the door, the sounds of Mark proudly admiring whatever Tobias is showing him. Oliver ventures out into the hallway, greeted by a smile as Mark gives his feedback to a drawing that Tobias has pressed into his hands.

“You’re following in your old dad’s footsteps, are you?” He grins, dropping his back down by the door.

“Had a good day?” Oliver asks, feeling his heart skip as Mark comes over to him and presses a kiss to his cheek. 

“Alright,” Mark shrugs. “Nothing in particular happened. I’m sure your day was more interesting.”

Oliver swallows, mouth dry. He slips a hand into his pocket, where the ring is nestled.

“I did my work on plants and we talked about weddings and we had juice and Dad said we can have pancakes later,” Tobias rambles. They look at Oliver. “Can we have pancakes now? Now is later, right?”

Oliver tries to ignore the growing panic of Mark hearing all of what Tobias just said, tries to move past it and nods. “Now is later, yes. We can make pancakes.”

Mark watches him closely but doesn’t say anything, only shrugs off his coat while Tobias runs to the kitchen.

“They’re a little excitable today,” Oliver says. “I don’t know where he stores all this energy sometimes.”

“What did you feed him, Oliver?” Mark asks, coming up to sling his arms around Oliver’s neck.

Oliver feels a heavy, warm feeling flood through him as he brings his arms up around Mark.

“Only knowledge,” he says. 

“About weddings?” Mark asks, looking up at Oliver, a challenge in his eyes.

Oliver doesn’t back down. “Yes, about weddings and marriage.”

“Any reason?” Mark’s expression is the picture of innocence but Oliver can hear the mischievous edge to his tone.

“What is it to you?” 

Mark opens his mouth to answer when Tobias calls from the kitchen. “Dad, what do we need for pancakes?”

They both let out a sigh but follow Tobias through to the kitchen. The speech folded in Oliver’s pocket burns through to his skin. He has to ask.

Mark helps Tobias pull ingredients from shelves, gathering them all on the kitchen table. 

Oliver runs a finger over the cool metal ring, turning it over and over. Anxiety burns in him, making his hands shake as he watches Mark settle Tobias on his knee, pulling a bowl towards the two of them.

The question echoes in his mind. He thinks Mark will say yes, he  _ hopes _ Mark will say yes.

Mark cracks an egg into the bowl as Oliver sits down, seemingly oblivious when Oliver pulls the crumpled paper from his pocket and unfolds it in front of him.

When he finally glances up, he glances between Oliver’s face and the paper in confusion. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to say some things and it’s going to be embarrassing,” Oliver laughs nervously. “More for me than you, but — yeah.”

“Oliver, what are you…”

“Mark, let me speak,” Oliver says, smoothing out the paper and trying to read the words even as they swim in front of him.

“Okay, carry on,” Mark holds Tobias close to him, both of them watching Oliver.

“I don’t pretend—” Oliver’s voice wavers and he feels his throat close up around the words. He tries to start again, tries to find the words, tries to hold out his heart to Mark. “You— I—” 

Mark reaches out a hand to grab Oliver’s, tightening his grip on Tobias with his other arm. “Hey,” he says softly. “It’s alright.”

Oliver grunts in frustration. He knows the words, he knows the speech. The paper is right there in front of them, his feelings scrawled all over it. Tobias watches him carefully from Mark’s lap, eyes wide and brimming with expectation.

“I just…” Oliver trails off. “I — I can’t say this. I can’t do—”

Mark smiles at him gently. “Oliver, it’s okay. You don’t need to—”

“No I do, I do,” Oliver says, trying to swallow around the feeling of broken glass in his throat. “It’s just...hard to say these things out loud.”

Mark nods. “Maybe you don’t have to say it out loud,” he suggests, gesturing to the paper in front of him. 

Oliver hesitates before slowly offering Mark the writing. 

There’s a pause, a weight in the air as Mark’s eyes scan the paper. Oliver’s hand itches as he recalls what Mark is reading.

_ I don’t pretend I know how to love you. I don’t know how to do this. I can be harsh and I can be an asshole and I’ve made so many mistakes. But I promise you, I promise, whatever happens, I want to try.  _

_ I promise that I will always do my best to love you, to deserve you. I promise to stand by your side through anything that the world has left to throw at us. I promise that I won’t run when it gets hard, no matter how much I want to. I promise to hold our family close and to treasure every single moment I have with you and our wonderful kid. _

_ Whatever it is that I can do, to deserve you, I will. I will do my best not to be an asshole, I will do my best to be a partner and a father and a person. I will do my best for you. You make me want to be better. _

_ You are one of the best things that I’ve found in my life. I don’t know how I will ever come to deserve you. _

_ I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to be able to call you my husband, I want to hold your heart next to mine for as long as you will have me. _

“Oliver,” Mark whispers, his voice trembling. “What is this?”

“Oh come on, Byron, what do you think it is?” Oliver says in a broken voice, watching as Mark drags a hand over his face to hide his watering eyes.

“Are you proposing?” Mark asks through a wobbling smile.

Oliver rolls his eyes. “I thought that would be clear.”

“Well you haven’t actually  _ asked _ ,” Mark points out. “And you couldn’t even manage to say any of this out loud to me.” He waves the paper in front of Mark.

“Fine, fine,” Oliver grins. “Byron Mark Bryant, will you marry me?”

“I think I will,” Mark says. Tobias is glancing between the two of them, face split into a wide grin.

“You  _ think you will _ ?” 

“Yes, yes I’ll marry you,” Mark laughs and leans past Tobias to tug Oliver into a kiss. 


End file.
